every wander

We're already two thirds of the way done with the year. I'll be honest and say that I was expecting much more from 2020. My mindset was so positive at the beginning of the year, but then the pandemic happened, and life happened, and now I just don't know where my mind is at.  It wants to be happy, but I feel like there's something holding it back. I strive for a life of abundance and fulfillment, but I'm still not sure what that means for me. It's almost been 5 years since I've graduated college, and I'm still as lost as ever. I've heard that adulting goes something like this, is that true? Am I just  feeling what most other adults feel? I'm trying to get back to going upward on this rollercoaster, but it feels like as soon as I go a bit up, it just goes a little more down.  I feel like I haven't started living, like I haven't started my life. What am I living for? Who am I living for? What does it even mean to be alive.  These are just s