Just life | Where I'm at right now in 2020

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We're already two thirds of the way done with the year. I'll be honest and say that I was expecting much more from 2020. My mindset was so positive at the beginning of the year, but then the pandemic happened, and life happened, and now I just don't know where my mind is at. 

It wants to be happy, but I feel like there's something holding it back. I strive for a life of abundance and fulfillment, but I'm still not sure what that means for me. It's almost been 5 years since I've graduated college, and I'm still as lost as ever. I've heard that adulting goes something like this, is that true? Am I just  feeling what most other adults feel? I'm trying to get back to going upward on this rollercoaster, but it feels like as soon as I go a bit up, it just goes a little more down. 

I feel like I haven't started living, like I haven't started my life. What am I living for? Who am I living for? What does it even mean to be alive. 

These are just some thoughts that have been crossing my mind since May. I feel like I'm in a shell, and I need to get out. I feel like I'm going insane but I can't show it, I don't know how to show it. Expressing myself has always been so hard for me. And I don't know why. 

I guess one thing I've really learned over the past year is that you just have to do it. You just have to get through it and continue on. Learn and repeat. Have grit and never stop doing things that are hard. Don't let your mind continue to stop you, because then you'll just still be exactly where you're at. Which where I'm at right now, doesn't feel like where I want to be. 

My mind is a tunnel of noodles that get all tangled and confused. lol Thanks for reading til the end. (: 



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